So this is my first blog post in a long while. Life just seems to take over and I have little time for the things that I actually like doing. I thought I’d do a year summary post! At the start of this year ( which seems like such a long time ago now) i finally got the chance to go to India (such a yoga teacher cliche I know) I feel like at times the universe just seems to align things for me and makes them happen, but then again I never ever think things through properly, I find this is the best way or the fear sets in and we never actually end up doing anything. Saying that I don’t adult well and I didn’t think about the fact I had no money, no visas or rabies jabs at the time of gobbling off… But it all came together. I set off to India leaving my babies for 9 whole days (bad mum, and my mum didn’t actually speak to me before I went) I’m not a great flyer and I actually thought I would probably die but I still went regardless. I will never forget being in India outside the airport in the middle of the night, miles from home. I felt alive, safe and that I was meant to be there. The days that followed consisted of mainly cows, eating, packs of dogs surrounding us (yep rabies jab was worth it) and of course amazing yoga by Rachel skipper.. I finally got to spend time with my soul sister Karen Yoga flower.
I had over eaten at Christmas with the view that I’d get a poorly belly in India which didn’t actually happen, typical but also glad I swerved that. Jokes aside India is such a magical place, I will be back there 2018 if anyone wants to join me.
I had the opportunity to teach Sam Faiers pregnancy yoga and feature on her ItvB programme the baby diaries. She was very welcoming to me, I taught at her home as well as in Bababoom, Loughton.
I turned 40 this month and I have to say, it’s alright. I feel the best I’ve ever felt about myself, physically and emotionally. I no longer have to make excuses for who I am or try and be someone I’m not. I can finally admit, I’m a crap adult, I can’t do maths or administration but what I can do is muck about mostly, roll around on the floor for my job (what my husband calls it) and help people have babies, but I think that’s ok. It doesn’t make you rich, but it makes you happy.
So March. F**king March. On March 8 th this year, my mum died. I didn’t lose her, she died. My mum was diagnosed with cancer over 20 years ago. When she was first diagnosed you think they are automatically going to die, but she refused her diagnoses. Each time we had bad news, or the times she very nearly did die, I always knew in the back of my mind that she would be ok but this time was different, I knew this was it. Now when some one dies you tend to put them on pedestal and say how amazing they were, and she was, she really was, my mum was very funny, silly, almost childlike at times, kind,generous, fiercely protecting of her children and grandchildren but my mum could also be very hard, she had a hard childhood which made her very resilient, almost like a suit of amour.. This had come back to save her ironically. I believe heartache and stress caused her cancer but that outer shell also helped her fight cancer all the way. Many would of crumbled and became a victim, my mum never played the victim, and couldn’t stand people fussing. I too have this hard cold side but I bury it, I tend to be more like my dad softer and emotionally open… I’ve made the choice to stay that way. If you ever see the hard side of me you’ve worked hard to get it and I will feel no guilt!
Watching someone die changes you forever, I hope you get to experience it and I don’t mean that is a morbid way but once you see someone’s soul leave and all your left with is that suit of armour, you are a different person. When you see someone fighting for their last breath, every breath you take now becomes sacred. when I run and my hearts beating fast and I am gasping for air I remember her fighting for hers and how grateful, I am that I’m alive, the music I hear is louder, the food I taste is better, my friendships are more precious, this is how she would of wanted me to be, not wallowing in self pity. From the moment she died I promised myself I would not waste any more time, I would do everything I wanted to do, I want to live a full exciting, eventful life and if you want to Join me for the ride please do, but I won’t wait for time wasters or those who self pity.
My mums illness is the reason I moved away from home, to find a life and to live it , I knew from a young age that I would not be bumbling around garden centres waiting to die. So I’m actually grateful for her illness, I got the opportunity to tell her everyday how much I loved her, to cuddle her in bed every time I saw her because I didn’t know if that would be the last time. I have nothing left unsaid, she knew everything.
April onwards – to now…
So grieving is a weird one, it leaves you and then comes back just as your about to teach a yoga class or do something random like put petrol in your car. There is no set time or pattern, and people forget, as they do, living their own lives as you try to adjust to your new one. Yoga leggs have been a fabulous support network for me, they gave me the most amazing opportunity to teach at the International yoga festival. I was so overwhelmed and absolutely petrified , especially being surrounded by the most amazing teachers from all over the world and then me teaching my mishmash of yoga. It seemed to go well and I had some lovely comments. The latter part of this year has taken me into teaching teachers again at Air yoga, photo shoots, and learning photography which I seem to be doing well in.
So to sum up the year, it seems to have flown by…so much has happened for me this year, so hard to comprehend it all.
I’ll just continue to teach yoga as I do, be grateful to my students who help me just as much as I do for them.
Love and light as always Kat x
Soundtrack to my year – adventure of a lifetime by Coldplay go listen x